Vatican Humor

After getting Pope Benedict’s entire luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile?

Wishes

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into
the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found

a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this
trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank
you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to
your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of
it !' The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful
woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish
will also make your husband the most handsome man in the
world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will
be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for
me.'
So, KAZAM- she's the most beautiful Woman in the
world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman
in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the
richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer
than you. '
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's
mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she
answered, 'I'd like to have a mild heart attack.'

Ride 'em Cowboy

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other was a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them nearly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

Christian Humor

Lead us not to temptation

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

Good news and bad news

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

The BIBLE

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth."

The Star Spangled Banner

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Why I Fired My Secretary?

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday".

I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning boss, happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me".

I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's go to my apartment".

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back".

"OK", I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I was just sitting there.. On the couch...

NAKED...

Advance Payment

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.

The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened.

He then asked what the animal was worth. "Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900.

So $900 is what I'm out." The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Here," he said, "is the check for $900.

It's postdated six years from now."

Will The Real Bride Please Stand Up!

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.

"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they began arguing until the King called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The man must marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

What is Marketing?

You see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says,"She's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party.You go up to him and get his telephone number.The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy.You get up and straighten your dress.You walk up to him and pour him a drink.You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tiebrushing yourself slightly against his arm, and then say,"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy.He walks up to you and says,"I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy.You talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that therecould be handsome men in all these houses you're passing.So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the centerand shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Spam.

New Toyota Model

Due to increasing price of Crude Oil all over the world recently, Japanese Automotive Industrial has to create a vehicle that economical for fuel consumption.

Price is the cheapest than other and minimum maintenance.

Soon this vehicle will be penetrated on Asian Market.

Asian market is suitable due to source and its environment.

Be careful, this vehicle still confidential matter, especially to our competitor.

Bush Visits England

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if th ey 're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair respon ds ,"It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What¹s on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and th ey puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Final ly, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"